Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
