As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Found the puke drawer
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
