Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Randomize
