I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
