He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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