I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
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