I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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