I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
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