I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
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