When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
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