Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
