dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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