Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
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