I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
