i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
