He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
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I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
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Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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