I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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