I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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