My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
