I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
