sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Randomize
