i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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