just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
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