i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Randomize
