Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
Randomize
