I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
