Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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