Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
