So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
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If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
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I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
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