it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Randomize
