we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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