my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
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