I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Randomize
