I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
