I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
I didn't notice because vodka
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Randomize
