People with herpes should wear stickers.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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