heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
