Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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