erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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