Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
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Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
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"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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