DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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