Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
