I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Randomize
