I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Randomize
