hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
