I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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