I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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