I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
What drink are we having for lunch?
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
