So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
