I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
