This chick, for whatever reason, has serious "Leave your wife and kids and also break up her young marriage in order to frolick for a good 2 weeks before I realize that she's just like the rest of them and I made a huge mistake and ruined a lot of lives in the process" potential. It's SO INTRIGUING.
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
Well, it's 24 hours till finals. I need high A's on all of them and I still am not sure where exactly on campus most of my classes took place.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Randomize
