Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
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