Will you blow on my dice?
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
