When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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