Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
did i walk over a car last night?
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
