my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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