He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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