I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
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