his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
