Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Randomize
