i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
