Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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