I hate your face
I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
