I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Randomize
