Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
