bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
She's just so happy...and so naked.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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