Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Randomize
